anxiety, Body dysmorphia, Bodydysmorphicdisorder, bodypositivity, depression, expat, family, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery

Resist.

Feeling the familiar streams of heat roll down my cheeks, it hit me with quite an alarming force that from here on out I had two options. The first was that I could sacrifice my autonomy, become the cookie-cutter expectation, and disregard the thing I loved the most - to write. Or I could resist.… Continue reading Resist.

anxiety, Body dysmorphia, Bodydysmorphicdisorder, bodypositivity, depression, expat, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery

Writer. 

I remember being told when I was very small by my grandmother that we are all “good at something”, that we are all given a ‘gift’. Sometimes it exposes itself in the most unusual of ways and sometimes it hides, for risk of shame, for state of modesty. Excited by the idea of such a… Continue reading Writer. 

anxiety, Body dysmorphia, Bodydysmorphicdisorder, bodypositivity, depression, expat, family, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery

Lights.

Bright white faces, flashes of colour and low sounds. It's like we can't help it, every chance we get. Scroll, scroll, scroll. She's sleeping, outside. I envy her. Eldest on his Gameboy, Thrap-thrapping on the A and B button. We sit opposite one another, screens in hand. Scroll, scroll, scroll.  Pause.. save or screenshot. Scroll,… Continue reading Lights.

anxiety, autism, autisticspectrum, Body dysmorphia, Bodydysmorphicdisorder, depression, expat, family, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery

Shackles. 

And you can't imagine how it might feel, To live trapped inside a broken mind. Spinning around in ferocious, meaningless circles, Faster, faster. Useless. Fat. Guilty. Unworthy. Failure. Disgusting. Thoughts of all the ways you would love to stand out, And of all the ways you simply need to disappear. Thinking of a million, beautiful reasons to… Continue reading Shackles. 

anxiety, Body dysmorphia, Bodydysmorphicdisorder, bodypositivity, depression, expat, family, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery

Thirty one days. 

It's thirty one days, since I spoke to someone else. My observation doesn't mean you're not enough, it means you're all I have. Your eyes dart to desirable cars, glazed over, disinterested. I stop speaking. I sigh. A painful, heavy sigh. The language is coming slowly, but the confidence won't follow. Cancelled plans. Ignored and… Continue reading Thirty one days. 

anxiety, autism, autisticspectrum, Body dysmorphia, Bodydysmorphicdisorder, bodypositivity, depression, expat, family, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery

Tired.

Sex in the dark, breathing in. Sleeping at awkward angles. Cramped up arms and back. Shallow breathing brings relief. Alarm rings. Groundhog Day. Baggy clothes to hide in. Tied up hair and shades. Peeing with the door open, shush-shushing to  wipe. Nap time and coffee. Social media blues. Work trip inadequacies. Jealousy. Anger. Regret. Tears.… Continue reading Tired.

anxiety, autism, autisticspectrum, Body dysmorphia, Bodydysmorphicdisorder, bodypositivity, depression, expat, family, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery

Wednesday. 

Rolling out of bed, baby in my arms, it's 10am.  We didn't sleep, he knew that, and he left us in bed.  The floor is swept, the bin is empty.  I smile, those small things tell silently that he loves me.  I put on my dressing gown.  I know we will mostly be alone today,… Continue reading Wednesday. 

anxiety, Body dysmorphia, Bodydysmorphicdisorder, bodypositivity, depression, family, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery

Eyes.

I get out of the car and they're on me in seconds, beady and blue.  They scan up and down, back up again.  Wide, eager, nervous. Blinking rapidly now.  Confusion seems to follow.  Still fat, and yet, at ease? I feel them find the regrowth of my hair, the tufts of natural mousey hair sprouting… Continue reading Eyes.

anxiety, depression, expat, family, mental health, mental illness, parenting, postnatal, postnataldepression, recovery, Uncategorized

Rebirth.

I made it.  I've been away, for a while. The writing became too painful, and the words weren't helping me to cope - they had lost their magic.  I didn't write for attention or recognition. Know that I didn't write for you. Not for your thumbs up, or loveheart shaped like. I wrote to survive. … Continue reading Rebirth.